“Hey, Where’s Josh?!”

Leah helping to keep an eye on Josh while we’re setting up camp. Even now, we always have to be vigilant

What are you afraid of? Stop for a minute and think about it. Is there something that just strikes fear to the marrow of your bones when you imagine it? For me, it’s the thought of losing Josh. Like, stop-me-in-my-tracks heart-wrenching terror, and we’ve had so many experiences of exactly that.

Josh was on the go before he could even walk. He would climb things and just about give me a heart attack. After he was first diagnosed with Autism at age 2, he started a long “career” of eloping.

I don’t remember the first time he took off on us. Honestly, there have been so many times they sort of run together in my mind. Our back yard had a nice chain link fence around it, and I watched him discreetly once. He was up and over that fence in 4 seconds flat. He was only 3 years old. We spent thousands of dollars to have a 6ft. privacy fence installed, inside-out so the smooth side faced the yard. The first time he got out of the privacy fence, he dragged a garbage can to the fence and climbed over. So we got rid of the can, then somehow he dragged our giant trampoline over to the fence and climbed over! So we tied the trampoline to the climbing wall. We tied all of our lawn chairs to the back porch. Anything moveable had to be tied down or removed from the back yard.

3 year old Josh inside the chain link fence

We did everything we could think of to keep him safe. Inside the house, we had new windows installed that had safeguards on them. We turned all the locks on the doors inside out, so you needed a key to get out. We used to joke that if someone tried to break in it would be easy, but they’d never get back out.

Country living is great, and whenever he got away from us there were a few places he usually went. We would jump on the Polaris Ranger and take off looking for him. Even if he only had a 10 second head start, we’re surrounded by trees and woods and we were never sure which place to look first. I usually started at the pond next door- he loves water.

The first time I had to jump in that pond after him, he had gone in and swam to the middle. He was out there treading water, and we were calling him, trying to lure him over to us with pails and shovels and other toys to no avail. He started to get tired and said, “All done!” so I jumped in.

The second time I fished him out of the pond, it was fall and very chilly. I didn’t give him a chance to get tired of treading water- I was more worried about hypothermia. I went right in and got him, and we drove the cart back home. We got inside and out of our wet clothes, and our friend Brian was in the driveway and called me on my cell phone. He said, “I don’t want to freak you out even more, but Josh is trying to climb out the bathroom window.” That window has been screwed shut ever since.

This one time, he disappeared and we jumped on the cart again. He wasn’t at the pond. He wasn’t across the field at Shane & Sue’s old house. I couldn’t see him anywhere in the woods, and I really started to panic. I drove toward Morrice Rd. even though he had never gone that way before. There he was, sitting in the back end of a pickup truck, drinking a Mt. Dew. A volunteer firefighter had seen him on the road and stopped immediately. The firefighter was able to call off the police that were on their way. I think Josh was maybe 6 at this time.

At this point maybe you’re thinking we must be careless parents, or we don’t pay attention to our son. I suppose that’s a fair assumption if you don’t have experience with Autism, or with a child who wanders. But it isn’t only us he’s gotten away from.

Josh has eloped from school many times, but one time he really got away from them and we were all terrified. He disappeared from trained professionals who knew not to let their guard down, even though Josh hadn’t tried to elope in quite a while. They were out at the playground and suddenly the staff realized Josh wasn’t there anymore. When the principal called, I reminded her how much Josh likes water. They finally found him playing in a shallow stream about 100yds from the railroad tracks. He had gone through the fairly thick woods, over a couple of broken down barbed wire fences, across a marshy area (where he lost a shoe!) in a matter of a few minutes. When they found him, he was just playing in the water without a care in the world. He might have been 13 or so.

Every time was terrifying, but if there was a “worst time,” it’s when we went to Alaska to see family. My heart starts pounding any time I talk about this one. Josh was 4 and Leah was 2. I had been talking with my step-mom about my fears of Josh getting away from us and she did a great job of reassuring me. We prepared as much as we could- I brought a bunch of those child-proof door handle covers for all the doors, and there were at least 4 adults and six other kids there. With all of these precautions, he’d be safe. Well… somehow none of us remembered there was a door in the laundry room and of course Josh found it. So 10 of us went off searching in different directions. I don’t remember how long it took, but I heard my step-mom calling “I found him! I have him!” When she handed him to me I just held him and sobbed.

We had our first Family Vacation since that Alaska trip, about six-ish years ago, when Josh was 17. Family members graciously offered their cottage for a weekend. The next year we drove to Missouri and stayed in an old farm house. That same year, we did a “stay-cation” and spent the night in a local hotel with a pool over Christmas Break. We ate out at a restaurant on that trip! Each of these trips had some similar challenges, mostly at bedtime. From age 4 to age 17 he pretty much didn’t sleep anywhere besides home, so the days of these trips were fun and exciting, but when it was bedtime he tried to pack up to go home.

At the cottage on our first vacation since the Alaska trip, 2016

Bike ride on vacation

Josh loves the water! Lake Huron

Lake Huron, 2016. Josh is wearing a life jacket in case he takes off from us and heads to deep water, because he has no fear

On our trip to Missouri, Josh was fascinated with the vending machines. It became a tradition to stop at a rest area and get snacks

Last summer we went camping with our dear family friends, “Aunt Nanny” and “Unca Joe,” and Josh did great, even at bedtime! We have this year’s camping trip at the end of this week, and I think we’re all looking forward to it.

Camping with Leah, Will, Nan & Joe last summer. It went so well we decided to try again this year!

The truth is, vacations are hard. When Josh is with us, there’s no way to fully relax. We have to always be on guard. In my last post I talked about us making the decision that I would go north by myself. When I first had the idea to visit Dad & Jill, I thought Tom, Josh and I would go up for a night since Josh is off school. Josh has had a rough couple of weeks, since before school got out for the summer, so Tom offered that I go up by myself so I’d be able to just visit. We’re grateful when Josh is welcome places, but most often one of us will stay home with him while the other goes.

I feel like it’s important for Josh to experience things, to try and expand his comfort zone a little. On the other side of that, it creates major stress for us worrying about what he might break, or if he’s going to have an accident on someone’s couch. How do you know what the best plan is?